too horrible by half: Gevalia Kaffe commercials

Seriously, I hate these dumb Johann commercials, and the wig is SO terrible! Blech! Hey Hulu, STOP KILLING ME A LITTLE EVERY AD BREAK!

too horrible by half: baby headbands TO THE MAX

I'm back! maybe...for a bit. I'm getting ready to move again and am not sure when I'll get the interwebs once I have moved, so ol' bloggy might still be rather patchy for awhile.

Anyway, awful baby headbands have been a plague to our infants of the female gender for quite some years. Headbands for baby have been around for many a year longer, but what's with the cabbage-sized, baby has its own moon headbands? It's just ridiculous. I have things to say about adult headbands and hair accessories as well, but let's just agree that scale and proportion are essential in choosing or making any accessory or garment we wear. Scale it back people, your baby doesn't yet have the neck strength to hold up her own head, let alone the balance to handle another one strapped to it.

cute baby's a little taken aback by the polar bear ear and crow on her head

when you have to play "where's the baby?" it's gone too far.

baby fascinators, unnecessary.

too horrible by half: scruffy necks.

 

source

I really don't think this needs to be explained that much. There is nothing that screams "I take absolute care of myself!" like a sharply trimmed man neck, and nothing worse than one blurrier than Kashmir's eastern border. Buy some clippers, keep your neck trimmed men. It makes more of an impression on women and future employers than you know/think/care to admit. 

You know who has the most consistently sharp neck? Dermot Mulroney. About a quarter of my love for The Family Stone is his impeccably trimmed hair. SO fantastic.

source

And on the subject of Mr. Mulroney, he's not officially in the silver fox category seeing as he seems to dye his hair (unlike silver foxes Messrs. Cooper and Wilson), but he totally could be if he let what seems to be his natural silver be. I think a petition needs to be gotten together to keep the grey.

also, Dermot w/ grey hair AND a baby.

too horrible by half: sag butt

not as bad as it could be, but saggy...

yes please :)

 It goes without saying that I hate saggy man pants, like the kind from Clueless. This is a no brainer. A little less offensive, but still a tragic condition in pants is just a slight sag butt. I have no butt and so must work harder to find pants that don't make my butt real saggy. I prefer Gap jeans always by now in curvy cut (for my hips). Men's Gap jeans are also awesome.
In men's ballet tights are pulled up super high, then the waistband is rolled over an elastic belt and pulled up again to define their cheeks. Yes, this is extreme for everyday but the idea of avoiding mono-butt holds. Let's all try to find jeans that make our butts look amazing. I don't acknowledge leggings as pants so they don't count and frankly fall into the ballet tights cheek definition category that shouldn't be seen except for on stage. Mostly this is about my wanting to see more guys with great backsides.

Here's a tip for both sexes: if you're finding yourself a little saggy do as the ballet dancers do and pull your pants up a titch, not a ton, just a little and you should see a vast improvement.

Too horrible by half: Nasty plastic, fake leather awful flats

Sorry to the girl at church today who prompted this post, but I HATE man made material flats. HATE them. Yes, when I was a wee one and got my babysitting moneys I ran to Payless and got me some ballet flats, then I got a real paycheck and learned about real shoes; shoes that are made of natural materials. You know you've owned a pair of flats that make your feet sweat and reek. Guess what! That doesn't happen with leather shoes. That doesn't happen with real shoes. In the same category is fake leather boots that are that strange fibery kind of whatever that frays at the top. Fraying leather? That is not ok.

too horrible by half: pleated pants

I know I've blogged about my love for flat front pants, but I don't think I've harped enough on the amount of shuddering pleated pants causes in my soul. The average man should just not wear them, especially at my age. A fit young man has no business in pleated pants, even if "my mom does all my shopping" (true story, actual excuse).

just so so bad, and the belt doesn't help!

You might say: I like the room! boo, get over it. Only people who live in board shorts can't get over any other type of pant.

You might say: I need the room! There's no way a trouser is so constrictive that you need pleats for everyday. If you are a giant thighed dancer that needs the room, I will give you pleats, I do give you pleats, but if you're just going about not doing sports in your trousers you don't need the room. If you still fight me on this I am seriously shocked and we can discuss other solutions to your problem, but you won't like them.

Cary Grant looks great in pleats, you don't. Also, the shoes.

You might say: Cary Grant rocked the pleats! He was a) Cary Grant and he is b) dead. Yeah, I said it. Pleats are a thing of the past. At many points in time they were the be all end all in mens trousers, but they're not fashionable right now. Get over it. For White Christmas that I recently worked on we put Bob in quite a few amazing period pleated pants that made him look super handsome, but they were for a man from the 50s. You, I assume, are alive now and shouldn't want pleated pants.

now those are pleats. 1934

Also a thing with pleated pants is that they're always the fall back Wal-mart variety which are just awful anyway. Inevitably they're too long and puddle because they don't get hemmed and the men wear them too low.  It's just gross, I hate them, so so much.

I've seen some blogs with some uber stylish European type men in very deliberate and well tailored pleated pants and I can almost give them that, and might for some, but I still prefer flat fronts and I'll give you three wishes if you can make me concede my preference. I dare you.

thbh: bedazzled and bedecked jeans

As a costume designer I LOVE glitz and glam and any excuse to put sparkle in a show. If you saw BYU's production of Peter Pan you know that Captain Hook is evidence of this. In my personal life however I think that glitz and doo-dads and what nots on clothes should be heavily regulated a la the Coco Chanel rule. It is in this spirit that I abhor the trend of ridiculously decorated blue jeans.

source

Things that fall into this category? butt pocket jewels and gems, heavy embroidery, those giant yarn type stitches, whiskering and of course unnecessary holes and fraying, basically anything you can find at the Buckle.

source

 

And sadly this trend is not just in women's jeans.

source

I understand that there is a culture of 16 year olds that adore these jeans, mostly everyone in my high school, but I just think for a high functioning adult in a college type or higher atmosphere these jeans have no place in society. Projecting my bias and conservative style views on the world? Most definitely, but that's why it's my blog.

too horrible by half: Mustaches

I support most things hipster. When I feel so inclined I hipster it out myself, put on  my boy specs, red lip stain and nautical neckerchief and I'm ready to go. But there is one hipster fad that I cannot get behind, the mustache, which ruin many a handsome boy.

The thing with the hipster or "ironic" mustache is that those who sport them hardly have the ability to grow anything close to a beard, let alone some lip fringe. Is that what makes them ironic? I just don't get it.   Apparently "in addition to being stylish, mustaches also serve as excellent salt licks during exercise" or so says my friend Scott. I hesitate to mention anything remotely positive about the hipsterstache, but trust my readers will see this pro as one of the biggest and most disgusting cons. My freshman year of college I was introduced to "no shave November" that had something to do with raising awareness for something (the cause obviously stuck). The boys on BYU campus would grow their 'staches, then shave them off come December. Somehow "no shave November" has gone year round. Having gone to BYU where being clean shaven is apart of the mandatory dress and grooming standards, I assumed 'staches would be poo pooed as beards (no matter how well manscaped) are, but alas alack, they are not. I don't know why they aren't. In my opinion a well trimmed beard is much more becoming and groomed looking than a mustache, at least on 20 something dweebs. Is it that those who can't grow beards are trying to prove that, even though minute, they can achieve something in the facial hair department? All or nothing boys, all or nothing.  Leave 'staches to the unironic professonials such as Tom Selleck, Clark Gable and Ron Swanson.

 Jude Law committing the hipster sin of nasty 'stache-age. Combined with the deep-V and messenger strap I'd say he's the poster child for the dark days of Hipster-dom.

 

 

 

 

 

Clearly Mr. Selleck rocks the 'stache rather than not, but let's remember how much of a nonhipster man's man he is, and how well groomed the Tomustache has always been. 

too horrible by half: eyeliner gone bad

Oh eyeliner, oh how oh how it can wreck your whole face.

I have small eyes, I also have purple bags under my eyes. I've come to accept the fact that eyeliner is not my friend. In fact, unless I'm as chipper as a new born goose (b/c I'd assume they're chipper) and use permanent marker my eyeliner will move and make me look like a insomniac domestic abuse victim. I think that this is a fact that many women refuse to accept about their own eyeliner usage. The days of all over eyeliner should be over. You're not in middle school anymore.
BAD BAD BAD Too much eyeliner, and too dark. If you're fair, try a brown shade.

Here's a tip, and what I do that works wonders: only put your eyeliner on your top lid, starting in the middle and going out (see below). You don't need any more than that! This opens up your eyes and if you want to get really fancy, make it thicker at the corners and maybe add a little to the bottom lid, but that's enough. Seriously, unless you have Bambi eyes, eyeliner is not meant to go all the way around as a day look.



If you insist on framing your entire eye, I can only stress the importance of fine lines and drawing on the ledge. The closer to your eye the better.
This was an experiment I did when I was 17. It took me forever to get the liner that close to my eyes, but doesn't it look great? I also added white shimmer to the inside of my eyes to brighten them. I would never wear this on a normal day. I've ventured this much eye makeup for formal events, but I'm way too big a fan of the natural look to wear so much liner.

Another helpful hint: eyelash curlers! I'd only dabbled with mine until recently, but they do wonders for the size of your eyes. Starting as close to your roots as possible, crimp your lash, then work the curler out and up to get a smooth curl. So great!!

too horrible by half: tights and shorts

Sarah, my bestie in Paris, tipped me off to this trend. Actually v. popular at BYU two years ago, this fad is rampant in France's capital. I'm all for tights, in moderation. I should add them to my wishlist, but there is a time and a place for tights, and the only time for tights with shorts was fourteen years ago on my first grade teacher, w/ loafers as well. This trend makes me think of the cover of my pattern making book portraying a stylized fashion sketch. The figure in question is wearing a ridiculous outfit, including spotted tights with a mini skirt. These tights make it seem like the model is stricken with chickenpox from the waist down. We can see that the girl to the far right above has lobster-itis. This trend just shows too much tight. If you're going to wear short shorts, which I don't agree w/ on account of my modesty standards, show your legs, not some technicolor disaster a la Elphaba from Wicked. Our kids are mos def making fun of us for this one.

too horrible by half: fanny packs

Do I really need to explain this? All women have fat aprons as my sewing teacher calls them, to keep the baby warm, as my mother says. Do we really need to accentuate this area with another pouch to keep our change in? And wearing fanny packs to the side is no better. I for one, with 40" hips (and that's all hips, no butt) do NOT need any wider of a profile. And heaven forbid we actually wear them as their name suggests. I saw this tower of fannies in the BYU bookstore today and I nearly vomitted in my mouth, but was too distracted by getting my camera out to really have any problems. Worst of all, these "brilliant" leather fannies are the nasty patchwork type a la the spell book from Hocus Pocus, yeah, you know the one.

too horrible by half: manpris

Man capris, or manpris are just a no. I'm not a fan of most types of capris. It's not a favorable length of pant and finding any pair that might be near an appropriate length is very difficult. But when it comes to men, capris are a major no. Let's think about it shall we? Capris as a rule stop somewhere between shorts and pants, meaning they leave from mid-calf to the ankle exposed. Now think of a more feminine and dainty area of a man's physique. You can't. Man ankle, when exposed w/o man calf and man knee is the definition of awkward. Most boys who wear manpris are, let's face it, not of the bulkiest build, so really from the knees down you'd think they might be girls, but no, they have hairy hairy ankles that you can see clearly because of their manpris. I have nothing against hairy man legs, but seeing only ankle is just not ok. Show me the whole bottom leg or let's keep it all under wraps, k boys?
PS I know those first pictures aren't really manpris, but come on, leggpris? come on!!!

too horrible by half: leggings

Leggings are not pants people!! Nor are "footless tights". You're only allowed to wear leggings if you are a beautiful European woman wearing them under a skirt that goes to your knees at least, and if you are you're probably over this horrible fad by now anyway. Worse than leggings in general are metallic, animal print or otherwise horrified variations on that theme. Gross. Sometimes I wonder what my generation will get made fun of for down the line (bell bottoms, shoulder pads etc) and I already know my kids are going to have a heyday w/ leggings. When will this monstrocity of a trend end?!

update: Indians are also aloud to wear leggings because they invented them, and wear them w/ long tops.