Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Jurassic World

My thoughts during Jurassic World, there might be spoilers, I don't know yet.

-Remember when the eggs hatching had animatronics inside? Those were the days.
-Where's Chris Pratt?
-I feel like this kid is Andy and this is the scene in Toy Story where they move.
-My doppleganger! (Judy Greer)
-Wow, my doppleganger plays moms now.
-Where are they sending these kids by themselves?
-Oh yeah, a park with DINOSAURS.
-That's a YELLOW house.
-Teenage romance is gross.
-Where's Chris Pratt?
-Accurate airport good bye where you can basically drop them off at the curb.
-Hey! Jeff Goldblum's book!
-Marital problems from Jurassic Park III, yeah, weren't great then either.
-I feel like creating a file on an iPad with the children's names all fancy like to hold at the dock for them takes more time than using a white board like everyone else.
-Wait, is Keira Knightely the children's babysitter?
-Theme Music!!! Yay! More more! I wan't more!
-Yay! More theme music!
-Where's Chris Pratt?
-Hold up, are Bryce Howard and Judy Greer sisters again?! yusssssss
-Bryce Howard's costume feels like future nurse where they throw back to old timey white uniforms, but like streamlined with ugly belts.
-Women with bobs this straight and perfect have to keep a brush in their purse, but this woman has no purse, nor pockets. Where does she even keep her phone?
-Yes, those are ridiculous shoes, I know all the stuff people have said about them.
-Where's Chris Pratt?
-This movie brought to you by product placement.
-BD Wong!!! (90 minutes later I realize he was in fact in the first one, I'm sharp.)
-This scene brought to you by Starbucks.
-Nick from New Girl!
-Nick from New Girl also has Jeff Goldblum's book!
-Guy from Bollywood Millionaire! What was that movie called? Danny Boyle directed it...
-Where's Chris Pratt?
-Oh! He talked ab Christ Pratt! He has to be coming up soon, right?
-There he is! With RAPTORS! His shirt coordinates with the raptors.
-That guy! From MIB and Criminal Intent and Adventures in Babysitting! Martha knows who I'm talking about! He's got an Italian name, like Anthony (90 minutes later I remember his name is Vincent D'onofrio).
-Not Chris Pratt evil military guy wears his knife all upsy downsy, that's weird, and seems inefficient.
-Chris Pratt wears his knife horizontal. Atta-boy.
-Chris Pratt's costume is everything. Like HEY! I'm SO COOL and not trying hard, but can you see how COOL I am and how hard I'm NOT trying?
-The raptor feeder boy looks like the cabin boy from the new King Kong (played by Jamie Bell), in that he looks like he should be at sea with that ridiculous beanie.
-Wait, did cabin boy break his leg? Why is he crawling?
-You can train me to answer to clicks, Chris Pratt...does his character have a name? Oh yeah, Owen, like my nephew, nope, calling him Chris Pratt.
-This scene brought to you by Mercedes.
-This scene also brought to you by those glass Coke bottles no one actually buys.
-Motorcycles and that muscle that's like where your armpit and your shoulder blade meet. These things should always costar in Chris Pratt scenes.
-That henley though.
-Hehe, bungalow.
-So...their relationship is based off a bad first date? She's really a great grudge keeper.
-CONTROL. The high powered female lead is OF COURSE flawed by being controlling, which in women is TERRIBLE and makes them undesirable shrews.
-Haha, Jimmy Fallon.
-I don't think those gyro things will ever be a good idea.
-How do people not get lost in the middle of that field?
-Turned off her body heat, clever girl.
-Poor overweight security guard. Somehow everyone else (besides raptor feeder) on this island is a Navy Seal and they let you guard the She-Devilasauraus.
-Let the gratuitous eating begin!
-This movie brought to you by capitalism. I could get angry at all the product placement, but let's be honest, this whole film's thesis is about sponsorship and corporate funding.
-Wow, ok, those special ops guys got real dead, like fast. Nice move showing how gratuitous all this is with those life monitor screens.
-This is kind of where my stream of consciousness just gets eaten up by jump scares and these thoughts might be out of order.
-Nice nod to the old movie with sign in the lobby of the original building and all that. For about a minute I was taken back to how awesome all those scenes were.
-Making my clothes sexier will always make my shoes more sensible.
-Also, running through jungles in humidity makes my perfectly straight hair turn into perfectly barrel curled waves too.
-Everyone seems to have internal GPS on this island and everything, regardless of terrane, is super easy to get to.
-Where did Keira Knightley go?
-Are Pterodactyls even carnivores?
-Do they starve all these dinosaurs so much that they automatically pick off anything that moves?
-Oh wow, oh wow, ok. Before just some special ops people got killed now we're picking off the common man from waves of panic hoards.
-There's Keira Knightley, oh, oh no. Oh gosh. Why? Why oh why? What? Really? You're going to toss her around. Seriously, WOW. That, wow, that was a lot.
-I feel like that kiss falls under the type of romance created in Speed. This can't possibly go well when you're not all hot and bothered bc you're both using guns.
-And nighttime. Nighttime always comes, and it's always scary.
-Motorcycles, like Harleys in the jungle, seem about as workable as her shoes.
-BD Wong, you son of a gun, why did you put raptor in the She Devil?
-Wait, why did that raptor explode? Did the She Beast throw it into a hibachi restaurant?
-Why is any of this happening?
-How has Ginger not lost her shoes in the muddy jungle, NOR slipped on super smooth and wet surfaces
-Two adults, two children in the courtyard of the park with raptors and a (not) T-Rex, seems familiar.
-T-REX!! Yay! Hey there big girl, time to do some work!
-Uh...well T-Rex is down.
-Yeah, Ginger has elastic straps on her shoes. They've been pretty good ab not showing their tricks, but they're definitely there and picking up all the mud.
-Yay! Raptor, wait, a raptor and a T-Rex save the day? That's great, but I feel like they'd still need more than that.
-Oh! Free Willy Dinosaur's going to, yep, there ya go. Done.
-Wait, why were the raptors. Charlie, Delta, Echo, and BLUE. Not Bravo? Oh, ok. Whatever.
-Ignoring the refugee scene, bc it was just so dumb.

Basically this sums up the movie for me (this is not mine, I found it online a few days ago):